novelzi [348] 4.69 A Moment’s Respite
[348] 4.69 A Moment’s Respite
As my Ethertech and Spellcraft class ends on Tuesday afternoon, I find my mind wandering, unable to focus on the here and now as I really ought to be. The impending battles loom large, less than three weeks away, and though it was never something I personally signed up for, I know the weight of millions, if not billions, of lives rests on my shoulders.Chloe will help me, and Hank will assist as best he can, along with whatever Clara and Nicholas have going on behind the scenes— not that I trust either of their teams even half as far as I can throw them. But I’m still the one who will have to be the point in the operation, who will have to place my body on the line and go woman-to-woman with the other Seraphina.
I wish I knew more about her. She was as naive and full of childlike whimsy as the original Seraphina, and yet seemed completely under Renault’s thumb. I just don’t understand the dichotomy of one carrying the data of absolute freedom volunteering to serve under the auspices and direction of another.
My first thought is that perhaps she’s as smitten with him as I am with Chloe or the original was with Madison, but it seemed like maybe the connection was something else instead. Something… I don’t want to say forced, but there’s a piece of the puzzle that I’m missing before I can start to unravel that little mystery. That, on top of the mystery of how a full-grown Seraphina automaton was developed in so short a time, and yet already has the body of an adult, yet is considered somehow living. Madison had developed me in that way, but I can’t imagine the sort of organosilicate technology exists at that level on Earth, even with System Skills–
Ultimately, I decide to just focus on what I can control, which is just taking things day by day. Chloe has been absolutely adamant that we will not be doing any dungeon diving until at least the weekend, to give my body the chance to recover from the residual Dimensional Sickness that still sends me into sporadic coughing fits. Hopefully, there won’t be any more fights coming that necessitates me taking the battlefield between now and then.
Damn it, I may have just jinxed myself yet again.
As I make my way back downstairs to my office, Amalia follows me. I feel bad for her; I should be doing a better job of being a proper instructor, especially in my first year of teaching. It’s not anyone’s fault that all this shit has been heaped on my plate, but it shouldn’t be hers and the department’s problem to deal with in the first place.
“I’m guessing that a lot happened this weekend for you?” she asks.
“I have many Skills,” I say. “The ability to mask my true demeanor, it seems, is not one of them.” A sigh follows.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.
“I do, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to ask you to shoulder my personal troubles.”
“Then perhaps it would be helpful to make a trip down to the Student Resource Center and speak with one of the therapists there? I know it’s got the word ‘student’ in the name, but I think they will be able to help you as well.”
“I appreciate the advice. I think I may have to take you up on it.” I’ve never gone to see a— well, I’ve always mentally referred to them as ‘shrinks’— but a therapist before. Can’t say that I’ve had the inclination. But with everything going on, maybe it would be nice to have someone to talk to about things, who isn’t involved in all this mess.
“I’m glad I can help, Seraphina. Now then, shall we go over the next couple of days of lectures, just in case I need to step in and assist?”
It ended up taking two days before I could get an appointment, and even that is a lot faster than it would take for most. Apparently, being willing and able to pay for my appointment in cash and also being the heroine who saved the city twice— with a lot of help each time, to be fair— has a way of clearing people’s schedules in short order. And so, Thursday afternoon, after class, I make my way to the opposite end of campus and sit down for my appointment.
I’m expecting to have to wait a long time, but no, right as 4:00 PM arrives, I’m escorted back to a small office in the back of the room. I can hear the conversations through the wooden doors, though I do my best to tune out what I hear. Still difficult.
“Um,” I say, doing my best to remain quiet and discreet as the clinician closes the door behind us. “Would you like me to install some sound-suppressing glyphs on the office doors? Not right now, of course, just…”
“Oh gosh,” she says.
“No, don’t worry too much about it,” I say. “I have a powerful perception Skill. I think what you have going will work for 99.5% of the cases. I just happen to be in that last half percent. And don’t worry, I did what I could to not listen to the conversations and I don’t know who the people on the other side are, in any case.”
“I see. I will certainly bring it to my supervisor and let you know.”
The younger woman, probably mid-to-late twenties, with short dark hair tied up neatly in a bun, takes a seat on a small but very plush-looking seat, and offers me a seat on the couch behind me. I don’t exactly feel comfortable without my wings manifested, but Chloe told me something about vulnerability and ‘the therapeutic process’ or something when I told her yesterday that I’d be coming here today. So, with this in mind, I allow my wings to dissolve into motes of silver light and take the offered seat on the couch which is less comfortable than it looks.
“Welcome, Miss Seraphina,” she continues. “My name is Samantha, but you can call me Sam or Sammy if you want. Before we get started, would you like me to get you something to drink?”
I pull a bottle of water out of my [Inventory] and take a drink. “No thank you; I have that taken care of, but I appreciate the offer.”
Samantha smiles; I can see the momentary shock, and realize that it’s probably the first time someone with an [Inventory] has sat in her office. Still, credit to her training, she doesn’t dwell on it for good or for ill, instead taking it in stride, leaving a small note on her notepad as she goes over her documents.
“Anyway, before we get started with today’s session, I just need to go over a few documents. Standard procedure to make sure everything is in order. You’ve already filled out the intake forms ahead of time, and I do appreciate that. If there were any questions, any documents that weren’t clear, that you may not have been sure how to fill out, or want a little more information on how things are going to work here, please don’t hesitate to stop and ask.”
“I think I’m good.”
“Now, I see here that you are actually one of the new faculty members starting teaching this semester. How are things going with that?”
I take a deep breath. “It’s been an adjustment process; I think that’s been more or less true for everything these past few months. Especially since June; I think with everything that’s happened between about the first of June and now, the weight of, well, everything, has started to get to me.”
“Now, before we get started, I want to start by asking what you are hoping to get out of these sessions. While a lot of people get ideas from the media that therapy is all about just sitting on a couch and telling the clinician how you feel, the reality can be very different from that. We can try to work through and process these feelings and difficulties that you are having if you are comfortable with that. Or, if you’re not looking to revisit your past experiences, we can focus on how to help you in the present and future.”
I pause for a moment to gather my thoughts and make sure my words are as I wish them to be. “So, I read all the documents the office gave me, so I know you have rules about confidentiality. I won’t ask you to confirm or deny, but I’m sure you’ve had your share of clients who’ve come in, who have lost friends or family or have been seriously injured by the demon Fornieth two weeks ago.”
Samantha nods.
“I was one of the ones you slew that demon. I imagine you’ve seen pictures of me before in the news, on TV.” I take a deep breath. “It’s been a roller-coaster of conflict and battle ever since then. A haunted castle from which the demon allegedly sprang. A trap meant to kill me and my girlfriend, Chloe, who were investigating those ruins. Then, when we narrowly survived that, we made it back home only to find that Chloe’s mother had been kidnapped.”
“I’m sure that must’ve pushed you into a state of crisis.”
Another deep breath. “So that necessitated us going through a dungeon dive to prepare ourselves. Then a rescue operation to go get her back which bled from Friday into Saturday early morning. Only to have another dungeon dive this past week, and then, while she and I were flying home on Labor Day, we get attacked by these other bastards and…
“I feel like I’m on a knife’s edge. I don’t hate fighting in and of itself; Chloe calls me a battle junkie sometimes, and I freely admit there’s some truth to it. No worrying about rules or laws, just cutting loose and then the thrill of winning and getting stronger and seeing those levels and stats going up. But–”
“If I am following correctly,” Samantha chimes in. “You have been fighting in battle after battle these past two weeks and you’re starting to burn out. Is that right?”
“It’s not just fighting in battle after battle; I’m fine with that, to an extent. We did a lot of fighting over the summer. It’s the feeling that there’s always another shoe that’s about to drop. Fornieth was a one-off, just like the City Slayer from back in the middle of July. But those were every couple of months, and while we went into the Tower to train and grow stronger, we set the pace in advance, and went when we were healthy of body and mind.”
“So then, the issue isn’t just that you’re fighting, it’s the fear of not knowing when you’re going to have to fight. It’s the lack of safety, and that the need to fight is being imposed on you, bleeding into the time you need to process and mentally recover.”
“Exactly. I know there are more battles coming, and if I don’t keep fighting between then and now and getting stronger, I’m not the only one who’s going to be paying for this with her life.”
Samantha nods, takes a drink of water, then writes more stuff down in her notes. I could peer at it, but I again do my best to ignore it and respect her privacy.
“I can imagine that the burden must be immense. Especially so suddenly. If I may ask, can you share a little about your support system?”
“It’s mostly just Chloe, my girlfriend and partner. Most of my friends from high school have all gone their separate ways. My parents have both passed in the months since the System arrived. As for other friends, I have some… I don’t want to say acquaintances as that sounds a bit too distant. Some colleagues who share in the burdens of keeping the city and surrounding area safe on a day to day basis so I can try to rest and focus on the stuff that only I can do, but…
“Lately, it seems like the share of things only I can do has gotten so much bigger and the stakes so much higher, that I neither know how to share the load nor how to offload– And if I don’t find a way to shoulder it and keep shouldering it, millions of people may end up dying as a result.”
“Does it feel unfair to you?”
“I didn’t think so at first. I thought this was just the price I paid to get access to all these powers that would be so far beyond anything dreamt possible six months ago, like I’m some sort of superheroine or maybe an anime protagonist or something like that. But now I’m not so sure. It’s just so much, all at once, and I feel like I’m treading water just to stay alive.”
“It sounds immensely stressful. And while I know everyone’s personal experiences and life stressors are different, you are not alone in that feeling of being overwhelmed and undersupported.”
“You know, it helps, just getting it all out there.”
“I’m glad to hear it. Now that I have an idea of what you’re hoping to get out of these sessions, it’s time to fill out more paperwork. I’m sure you understand.”
“Of course I do. Reminds me of the stint I had working with the army corps stationed here.”
“As my supervisor likes to reiterate, if it isn’t documented, it didn’t happen. But I think that together, we can work to find some ways to help you out.”
I don’t know how much faith I have in Samantha, but I appreciate her willingness to try and help, even if I am paying an arm and a leg for her to do so.